A Great One, Gone.

Hi,
To those who knew him, I wanted to let you know that Melvin is no longer with us. Some of you know that he's been having seizures for the last month, increasing in frequency and severity. His recoveries were long, cloudy and painful and reached the point where he stopped being the crotch-sniffing, face licker who was so special to our family. In his memory, I've compiled 10 stories that you may have not know about him. Feel free to send along any that I missed...

I hope you remember him fondly.
Chris
--

10. Escape from Athenstraz - Most people knew what a pain in the butt Melvin was to catch once loose, and the first taste came after only having Melvin for a month back in 1997. While in England for a week, Melvin went to stay with his new uncle Mike in Athens. Within an hour of dropping him off, Melvin has escaped from Mike's basement by leaping through a small 6x9 missing pane of glass in a back door which was 3 feet off the ground. Mike searched but couldn't locate the elusive husky. Fortunately Melvin was found by a household of hippies who kept him in the backyard on a couch for week feeding him homegrown vegetables and soy burgers.

9. Escape from Athenstraz II - I returned from England and listened to my voicemail hearing...

"[electronic answering maching voice]MONDAY.... [hippie voice] Uh, hello, this is Joe and I think we found your dog. He's a husky and kind of nuts? Give us a call at....".

"[electronic answering maching voice]WEDNESDAY.... [frustrated hippie voice] Dude, I think we have the right number, but looking up the dog's tag, they say you live in Atlanta.... I'm really confused, anyway, we still have this dog here. He's cool and all but... uh, like he ate my girlfriend's socks, her loofah, and ransacked the kitchen. Give us a call at..."

"[electronic answering maching voice]FRIDAY.... [scared hippie voice] Hey, I don't know where you are but this dog is like living in our backyard and chained to the couch now. We didn't want chain him up but he was eating everything in the vegetable garden, kept jumping over the fence, and sent a couple of cats up some really big trees. Dude..."

It was now Saturday and I called Mike and told him where Melvin was camped
out. Mike, thankful for a chance at dogsitting redemption, retrieved the "dog
from hell" from said hippies, plugged the missing window pane with a pillow, and
put Melvin in the basement to wait for my imminent return. Melvin looked around
the basement, ran at full speed towards the door with the pillow, and in one
move, leaped into the air popping the pillow back through the hole and sailed
into the backyard. The ensuing chase description sounds like an old Abbott and
Costello skit and one that I have lived many times.

8. Nine Lives - I first suspected that he was a reeeally lucky dog when I first setup his dog run in the backyard in Atlanta. I rigged a 50 foot aircraft cable across the yard which ran from a basement dog door to the back of the property's 6 ft. high chain link fence. Along the run was strung a 15 foot aircraft cable lead/leash that could slide freely along the run giving a great range of access across the backyard. I had to use a steel lead because he chewed through the original nylon lead and escaped (cue Abbott and Costello music). I came home from work a day or two after installing this masterpiece and looked in the backyard but the dog is gone. I was in disbelief how he possibly could have escaped from this my fortress when I noticed the 15 foot lead all the way at the end of the run at the back fence but draped over the top of the chain link fence. Then I notice Melvin on the other side of the fence looking at me with a big grin. The lead was about 2 feet to short for him to sit or lay down so he was standing on his hind legs to prevent himself from being choked to death.

7. "Pooped a flashlight" - Lee Peters, dogsitter extraordinaire, was walking Melvin at night and noticed that something that appeared to be a long, cylindrical, red flashlight came out of Mel instead of your run of the mill excreta. He called me in a panic and uttered these famous words, "Melvin just pooped a flashflight". It turns out he didn't poop a flashlight, but instead a reconstituted 32-oz. Jif peanut butter jar that was left at ground level in the recycling bin. Ouch.

6. He had the hands ...err, teeth of a surgeon - Once again, with me traveling, Melvin pulled another amazing feat of dietary indiscretion. During a business trip, I had two female friends dogsitting at the house who decided to go out dancing leaving Melvin alone with their dirty laundry (big mistake). Melvin pulled one girls jeans from her suitcase and proceded to "snip" out the... umm... two tastiest regions? One section was about the size of an outstretched hand and the other a perfectly round half-dollar (you can probably guess where they were). But the most impressive feat beyond the perfect symmetry of the cuts was the 1/2 inch isthmus of fabric left untouched between the two holes.

5. Dead Car, Dirty Dog - On my third date with my wife-to-be Jennifer, my car broke down on the side of State Rte 528 as we returned from a Spring Training baseball in Melbourne that was rained out due to massive thunderstorms. Stranded in the middle of nowhere in this storm, a tow truck came to get us and returned us back to my house 3 hours after I expected to be home. Melvin was frightened by thunder which caused him to freak out, escape, and run through the streets like a madman so I was hurrying to get home to see if he was okay. On top of these fears, my date was a disaster, I was running late to pick up my son, and I didn't have any food for dinner. I walked in the house and Melvin was sitting innocently by the front door tail wagging to greet his loving master, except that he and the room looked very different. The floor of the foyer and dining room were coated in thick black mud and Melvin himself was covered head to paw. He had been trying to dig under the back fence to freedom. I wish I had a picture because you could only make out his blue eyes, pink tongue.

4. Abbott and Costello Meet the Orthopaedist - His last famous escape took place in February 2008. I was away in England once again, and Jen was home alone with the animals. She awoke from during a thunderstorm around midnight and went to check on Melvin, but he had flown the coop. Jen, like Mike before, would not lose the dog on her watch so she set out in her truck to scour the neighborhood in the storm. She spotted him walking down the sidewalk looking for trashcans to loot (or whatever it was he did when he escaped). So Jen went to head him off by pulling into the next driveway. She jumped out and lunged for his collar but he swerved away from the dive. Jen went down in a heap in the rain and broke her kneecap. Melvin sensed she was hurt and returned to see what was the matter. She somehow dragged him into the truck and got him home and cleaned up before giving me my wake up call in England.

3. "Party foul, dude"- I was told to keep a watchful eye on Melvin while at a wine and cheese party at Mike's Athens group house. Melvin's first mischief was on an unsuspecting girl's white wine which he spilled and lapped off the floor. I apologized then kept Melvin on the floor next to my armchair, scolding him if he tried to wonder through the party looking for goodies. I was doing well, but the pouch backed behind the couch, and behind the curtains before I figured out where he had gone. I was panicking and looking around the room, then I see his snout appearing from behind a lamp ever so slowly nosing towards the 2 lb cheese log on the far side of the room. When I screamed, "Melvin!" He grabbed the log, knocked over the lamp, spilled a couple more glasses of wine, and ran for his life (cue the Abbott and Costello music).

2. You gave him what to eat? - Driving back from DC once after Thanksgiving, my mother gave Melvin some scraps that I HAD ADVISED AGAINST GIVING HIM. Sorry for yelling, but he had a delicate stomach and mom knew this. But just like spoiling her grandchildren, she could not resist giving Mel a bowlful of turkey skin and bacon. About halfway through the trip, Melvin was sitting in the front seat of the Mountaineer and started getting ansy. I noticed this and told him we would stop the car shortly. Apparently, his English wasn't so good and I know my Huskese was pathetic because his tail turned to face me, his tail went up, and out came... I screamed and almost retched. The ghastliness hit the center console, slid down the plastic divider like a kid on a water slide, and settled down under the power seat. Thank goodness Jacob was in diapers because I pulled to the side of the road and began to scoop with Pampers. Melvin finished up on side of the highway then feeling refreshed pulled the leash out of my hands to play some "tag" on the side of the road; unfortunately that road was I-95 (cue Abbott and Costello music overlaid with the screams of Godzilla). Just as he dashed out in front the car to go play with the tractor trailers, I dove, and caught the bouncing retractable leash with my outstretched fingers yanking him back from the oncoming cars.

1. A Warm Welcome - When Jacob was born, a nurse recommended that I take the coddling blanket home to leave at the house to signal the animals that there was a new arrival. I walked in the house, dropped the blanket on the floor of the foyer, grabbed a shower, then went back to the hospital. Brandy was discharged a couple hours later and we returned to the house to see Melvin bubbling with excitement. The blanket was stretched flat on the ground and he needed to see what was in the car seat/basket thing. I held Jacob low for him to sniff and he just slammed his head into the basket and kept it there for 3 or 4 deep breaths, then he popped out and started running around the house jumping for joy. I've never seen anything like it.

No posts = Happy blogger

I think the Caps success is inversely proportional to my stress level. i.e. Caps play well and will make the playoffs and I'm a happy dude. Play poorly and look like poo; I'm sending posts from my bed via the phone at 3:00 am.

Ergo, I'm not posting too much. The Caps look pretty good. They still lose their focus for a period or two at a time against teams like Los Angeles and Ottawa making those games much tougher than they should be but overall I'm pretty happy.

However, my stress level will be on the rise here for the next couple of weeks as the trade deadline approaches. I'm of the opinion that there are better options out for a big shutdown D-man than Sha-Mo. His struggles this year have been pretty well documented and will be replaced next year by a less expensive candidate including Tyler Sloan or Sean Collins. If he were to be packaged up for a rental D with a pick, I'd be ecstatic.

Caps 5 - Rags 4 - Timeline of events

Tuesday - December 23, 2008

11:31 am - FeedReader RSS reader alerts me from Capitals Insider, Tarik El-Bashir "Johnson Sick; Theodore to Start".

11:32 am - I get in my car to go to Publix to buy more beer.

11:35 am - I realize that 8 beers is probably enough and change headings to ABC for bourbon.

Noon - 5:15 pm - Some nervous pacing/semblance of work transpires.

5:15 pm - (a.k.a beer:30) pssshhht.
5:30 pm - psshhht.
5:45 pm - psshhht.
6:00 pm - Remember that I need to make dinner for my wife. Heh, heh.
6:15 pm - psshhht. Put nurishment in body.
6:30 pm - psshhht. XBox to ease the mind until 7:00 start.
7:00 pm - Game at MSG commences
7:15 pm - 0-1 Rangers. Send first of many, "I told you so" text messages to JT believers.
7:20 pm - 0-2 Rangers. Sulk. Psshhht.
7:21 pm - 0-3 Rangers. Practice my George McPhee voice while figuring out how to get in touch with Ray Emery's cell phone number.

"Ray, this is George. We'd like to have you be a goalietender..." Try again.

"Mr. Emery. Are you available? err... Not personally but as a
goaltender, professional-ly. As a professional goaltender..." Try again.

"Agent E? This is HQ. The plan that we discussed in Antwerp over the summer is in effect. Repeat: It's gone 100% off the reservation. We're instituting Plan B. Operation: HOLY GOALIE. Return to Washington for reassignment." I like that one.

7:30 pm - Calmness ensues as Brett Johnson, with shaking and tremors visible on camera, stops all the pucks. (Then barfs in ice bucket next to Zamboni).

8:00 pm - JT resumes his netminding duties. Pssshhht. Locate the bourbon and put the 2-Liter Coke on stand-by.

8:05 pm - 0-4 Rangers. Screw the Coke.

8:15 pm - I'm heavily into my drink and playing Vexed on the phone with one eye closed when Alex changes the game in his next three shifts.

1. Caps kill a penalty at the 9 minute mark. Oveckhin steps on with Backstrom and Kozlov and have a nice tic-tac-toe to Ovie down low where he knocks it off Lundquist's blocker/shoulder. He bolts back to the net as the whistle blows. Takes a cheapie by Stall and butt ends him to the gut. He starts a scrum. I smile.
2. At the 12 minute mark, he takes a shift that's a minute and thirty seconds long. He enters the zone twice in control of the puck then shoots. The team loses the zone but he nails Redden in the corner. Rangers defense and Kozlov change but the Sloan pushes the puck right back to Ovie now with Fehr and Backstrom. Staal and Roszival both follow Backstrom into the corner leaving Zherdev to cover Ovie. He spins and fires a fluky goal that deflects off of Roszival. There is half-hearted much-rejoicing Pythonesque, "And the good guys score, yeah." On the next shift. Laich, Kozlov, and Fleischmann turn up the intensity and get a couple more shots off. Sam Rosen remarks that the momentum in the game has shifted. I put away my phone.
3. At the 15 minute mark, #8 resumes his terror. He blasts around/through Redden then later in the shift outmuscles Mara and Kalinin to get to the front of the net for a deflection. Gets the rebound, takes it around the net with Mara slashing him. Punches the puck to Backstrom who gives it to Kozlov in the slot. Kozzie rips a shot that deflects into the netting as he gets hit by Mara. Ovie steps between Mara and Kozlov at the whistle then turns to camera as it breaks for commercial and yells "Fuck" loud enough for MSG and all its microphones to pickup. I start to drink water.

The third period was blissful. Ovie hit anything that moved and Theodore stopped the puck. Then the Caps came back and won. After the game, I sat in disbelief with chills staring at the Center Ice "Good Night" message and listening to the porn soundtrack for a solid 10 minutes.

I wanted to write about this game but I didn't think writing after that many beers was productive (it shows I still had some sense about me). Realizing I had the DVR running, I give a big smile, and remark to my wife that this is in the top five of the 1000's of Caps games I have ever seen. Then, I went to bed* and had glorious Caps dreams.

*Editorial note - This last part is not true. Before bed, I set up the motion detector on my webcam to figure out which dog is pissing on the patio. This, of course, failed miserably when the battery died around 2:00 am because drunk ass forgot to plug in the A/C adapter. Secretly, I fear that I'm the one doing the patio pissing and subconsciously "forgot" the power supply. Going immediately to bed just sounded better than having to explain my vain attempt to delay the inevitable realization that I'm in a territorial pissing contest with a husky and a rottweiler. Never let the truth get in the way of a good story, eh?

Between the Pipes/Between the Ears

There are three main points to take away from the Flyers debacle of Saturday.
1. The Caps can generate some offensive chances
2. Great goaltending is pretty special to have on your side
3. The Caps are in need of a third line agitator/middleweight

Problem #1:
Having a lotta "O" is not really a problem. Even with Semin and Fedorov on the shelf for much of the season, the Caps can generate many offensive opportunities. This is a point, not a problem. I'm an idiot.

Problem #2:
This is THE elephant in the room. On Frozen Blog put up a link to some video stating that the Caps are actively looking for goaltending. Yesterday was a painful reminder of the importance of timely goaltending. Johnson has outplayed Theodore for most of the year but has the knock against him that he can lapse. I've seen arguments that even elite goaltenders have off nights, but Johnson has rarely been called elite so he needs to prove himself night after night. In regards to their goaltending, tt seems the Caps have the following choices at this point:

a. No changes and ride Johnson and Theodore. Risks: .792 save percentage at exactly the wrong time. Advantages: No further expenditures
b. Keep the goaltending and upgrade the defense. Risks: This assumes that your goaltending is Chris Osgood good and you're stating that your goaltending doesn't need to be great if your overall team defense is bad to the bone. Currently, I'd say our team defense is bad to marrow which is very different than the bone. When the #1 pairing is a 20 year old rookie and Milan Jurcina (a.k.a. the playoff puck coughing up machine), you've got issues. Advantages: Caps have a considerable number of offensive players and prospects. If a palatable package could swing a genuine minute munchin Top 4 d-man, it could make the goaltending more attractive.
c. Give up on Theodore and bring up Varlamov. Risks: Ruining the kid, a la Jim Carey. Advantages: By waiving Theodore, the Caps could rid them of his contract (let's be realistic). I think the Caps are a much better team with a Johnson/Varlamov pairing then with Theodore. He's just not good.
d. Trade for another #1. Risks: We may have to give up some valuable assets for an aged starter like Dwayne Roloson. Plus who knows how bad the defense will make the next guy look? Advantages: We could shed some salary (ahem... Nylander).
e. Call Ray Emery's cell phone. Risks: heh, heh, heh Advantages: No doubt he is a competitor that may relish another kick at the can. With a performance laden contract... its just crazy enough to work.

Problem #3
It was pointed out by several that the Caps were exposed horribly for a lack of second tier of toughness in St. Louis game with no retaliation for the Backes cross-check to Semin. God bless Matt Bradley for getting his ass kicked every 7th game, but there needs to be another tier of toughness on the ice that can get sprinkled into the 2nd and 3rd lines. I think back to the Scrapitals of circa 1990 with a heavyweight (May) plus several middleweights (Hunter, Kypreos, Cicarelli). McPhee recognized this last year when he traded for Matt Cooke. Cooke may not have added much on the score sheet but the team was more aggressive when he played and less likely to back down when confronted with a hard checking team like Minnesota, San Jose, Boston, or St. Louis. I think with Sundin's addition to Vancouver, there may be a move to make two very dangerous lines making the feisty forwards of Burrows or Kesler expendable. Likewise, Kevin Bieksa is tough and would upgrade the backline. I like Laperriere and McLeod in Colorado, Carcillo in Phoenix, and Neil in Ottawa. Then there's always Ray Emery...

Brent Johnson on the "In the Slot" XM 204

Brent Johnson was on with Phil Esposito and Mike Ross on "In the Slot" on XM 204. The interview can be downloaded here. He talks about guys coming back from injury (specifically Semin and Fedorov) and who has the hardest shot. Have a listen.

The answer to my prayers

Just as I was beginning to think it couldn't happen, I see this. Of course, that doesn't mean that it will happen but at least its an option. Another in-house option would be Varlamov. He seems to have been annointed the "Next One" and he's Russian. Either option is better than the present course.

Carolina Blue

Yesterday afternoon's game in Raleigh left me a little blue for a couple of reasons:

1. Need points - As BB mentioned, the points were there for the taking. The next couple of games aren't going to be any easier going against a rejuvenated Ottawa, a smarting Montreal, and a positively juggernautical (a word? I like it, screw it) Bruins squad.

2. Bad goalie, bad - My dogs listen to me when I chastise them in this manner. I tell them they're bad and they cease bad behavior. If only it was that easy with Josés. I think with Josés, they need to feel slighted or indignant to play better (such as playing against your old team -- see Montreal). Apparently feeling job pressure doesn't work. I wonder when management says enough is enough.

3. Lepisto needs new skates - He complained about his skates so maybe that was the cause of his blunder against Samsonov... AND Andy Sutton last week. It's possible... He's got great hands which get him out of trouble and let him direct the puck at will... but he looks like a newborn baby colt on wobbly knees whence the pressure begins.

4. Alzner looks good - Shultz may have found his replacement

Saturday a.m. news

I'll fit in as much as possible before Mrs. Melvisdog awakes...

1. The Bears recall Johann somebody from the Rays - A preface to another Bear coming to Washington? Who's hurt? I missed the memo, but its possible that Fleischman tripped over his 10 friggin' goals coming out of the shower and pulled his disbelief muscle (I've got a stupid drunken bet with Peaker that he won't hit 30 this year. He's probably already planning how to spend it).

2. The Yotes are facing a 25 to 35 million dollar loss this season. They're a team I've enjoyed watching on Center Ice. Good grit, speed, talent, youth etal. I hope they make it through the next 2 seasons with their shirts on their backs and financially stable.

3. I won't editorialize on the Avery suspension, but you've gotta love it when your own team hates your guts.

4. Adam Proteau's an Ovie fan. On the Hockey New's first show on XM204 yesterday, he was asked if he could pick Malkin or Ovechkin in the 2004 draft, who goes first. He confirmed Ovie as the number 1 spot citing personality and marketability among his likeable traits.

Friday musings...

A couple of notes about the Caps this morning...

1. Lepisto could benefit from greatly from pressure drills. You know like a drill where rushing forwards scream obscenities at him and throw ground beef at his feet while he tries to move the puck with a pair chopsticks.

2. The Caps keep getting burned by guys coming out of the penalty box.

3. If the Caps need to dish a forward to a team with some more proven puckhandling d-men, call Doug Risebrough of the Wild.

4. Steckel seemed to move his feet last night better than games past. He still took a hooking penalty in the 2nd but he was playing with some giddiyup.

5. Is a regular season pointless knowing that there's a juggernaut waiting from the West that pounds opponents, even when the play badly, like veal piccata?

Introducing your Washington Bears!

I guess there's a reason that defensemen spend a couple years getting seasoned in the minors, huh? I can't speak directly to how terrible that the blueline played last night against Florida, but can from different accounts see that some troubling trends are emerging from the Caps.

Most of their current woes are the result of the defense facing constant pressure and coughing up the puck on the forecheck. To alleviate this, the defense has been instructed to make safe choices and simplify their game. This leads to the second biggest problem which is... generating consistent offense. Currently the Caps are suffering from poor outlet passes being generated from our defensemen. Poti, Green, and even Fedorov in his limited duties have been stalwarts on getting the puck into the attack zone with speed. Currently, the puck gets to the neutral zone but loses momentum as our forwards have to fight to retain possession... let alone enter the attack zone under control.

The short term answer is to keep it simple and not make dumb mistakes such as delay of game penalties (i.e. Fehr), obstruction in the offensive zone (i.e. Nylander), and save the inevitable infraction for those that are really needed like getting caught flatfooted at the blueline (i.e. ALL CURRENT DEFENSEMEN). The longterm response is get better soon.

Alzer's XM204 Interview

Karl Alzner was on NHL Today on XM 204 today with Don and Jim Dowd. Click to hear the interview. He discusses his mistakes from the last couple games, his pasttimes and other good stuff.

What the hell is happening?

Where has Melvis been you may ask yourself... or not. Probably not. In case you're wondering, one word, SUFFERING. This season was to be all Caps glory, all Caps fever sweeping its way across the globe... (sigh). Instead I've seen some pretty inconsistent play over the last month. In general, all the Caps fall into three categories.

1. Awake and Kicking Ass - These are players that are keeping everybody afloat -- Semin, Flash, Nylander, Fedorov, Poti, Bradley, Johnson, Laich -- and they need NO discussion.
2. Awake and Groggy - There are also those that are playing well but are not being rewarded such as Ovi, Brashear, Gordon, Steckel. These players have a consistency about their game and are also of little concern.
3. Still Asleep - The rest, however, look like they're in their pajamas. That said, I'm beginning to see signs of life from the boys as several of their key players seem to have woke from their summer slumber so I'll start with them...

Just woke up and running for the Bus
Victor Kozlov - He played with determination against Carolina that he would no longer be pushed off the puck and when he did lose the puck, he hustled to backcheck and get he puck back. He was pucking good in other words.

Nick Backstrom - Perhaps the most disappointing Cap in my mind woke up on Thursday. He looks like he's been slowed by his ankle and maybe 10 pounds of cupcakes (nice moobs). I've been dissecting his game more than any other so far as he's missed the explosiveness and skating stride of last year. Thus, my wife was shocked that I traded for him immediately after the Canes game. Teemu for Nick... oh dear what in God's name am I thinking. Nick, you better not get tired, lay down, and hit the snooze button. Keep running and lose them cupcakes.

John Erskine - I've always admired Erskine's toughness and pure craziness but wished for him to harness it for good (steady intimidating toughness on the puck and around the net), rather than evil (bad penalties, goes out of way to make punishing hits, etc). His last two games have been perhaps his best as a Cap. I hope he keeps it up because little else from the D stalwarts has gone right.

Almost awake
Chris Clark - He's huffing and puffing and trying hard but seems to have lost his positioning and ability to receive a pass, and get the shot off. Clark won't dazzle you with a sleight of hand, pull the puck off the half wall, walk in front and rip one topshelf, so we should stop kidding ourselves. If Chris wants to be known as a goal scorer, he needs to drive the net consistently when he's on a top line or the PP. He needs to get down low, look for rebounds and be ready to sacrifice teeth, fingers, kidneys, and ears if he wants goals. If he's not in a position to score, he needs to understand his role and plug away. He seems like he's coming around.

Milan Jurcina - I've liked Jurcina ever since he was a Bruin getting 6 minutes a night. Actually that's a lie. I've liked Jurcina ever since I opened $10 pack of 2005 Upper Deck Premiere Hockey Cards (these were the ones that purportedly contained small strands of Ovechkin DNA in every 100,000th pack). So I shelled out for about 30 of these things and all I got was a bit of Milan Jurcina fingernail (Yes, you are correct, I wasn't married yet and No, probabilities and mathematics were never a strength). Now, I'm a fan and he's not terrible (like he was in the Philly series). That's it. Go Milan!

Missed the Alarm
Eric Fehr - I need to see more of him to make a proper judgement but this was to be his year and he's sleeping through it. There's a hungry Finn in the "A" that's waiting for that spot as well...

Mike Green - I believe he's playing with an bum wheel which is limiting his ability to skate backwards. He has three forward gears and only one reverse which makes any issues with that one reverse a big problem... at least for a player who's primary responsibility should be defense. He hasn't shown consistently that he's able to get back and remain effective.

Shoane Morrissonn - I don't know what has happened to his game but I can only think it's his confidence or the lingering effects of a rough post-season. He needs a scrap, a goal, or a new girlfriend... something. I hope its just his confidence suffering and he has a chance to get out of his funk. Outside the goalie, the Caps nation relies on him more than any other player to keep the opposition off the scoresheet.

Go Ahead and Kick Him, But I Think He's Dead
Jose Theodore - Maddeningly ill-equipped to handle the puck. Gaping 5-Hole. Tentative as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. If he can make it past the first period, he's pretty athletic and stops the pucks he should. However, his early play reminds me of Kolzig after Huet appeared last year. Kolzig lost his mojo and began playing a more panicked, less-disciplined game after Huet came probably as a result of knowing his job was in serious jeopardy. I wanted to give Jose the benefit of the doubt, but now I doubt the benefits... huh?

Jeff Schultz - I've tried really hard to like Schultz but nobody gets knocked off the puck by forecheckers more than Jeff. Nobody gets blown by standing flat-footed more then Jeff. I read that he added 10 pounds of muscle in the offseason to become a more physical player, which I thought was terrific. If we could just get all those pesky opposing forwards to stand still so Jeff can hit him, we'll be in good shape.

Preseason Predictions

Everybody has predictions. They're kinda like opinions but with a little statistical proof and hunches thrown in for good measure. Last year I got 10 of 16 playoff teams correct (which isn't great) and the ones I got wrong, well, I was really wrong. For instance, Dallas finished 2nd in the conference, not 12th. Montreal finished 1st in the East, not 14th (ouch...). So in an attempt to redeem myself or else invite more rotten veggies to be tossed at me, here we go:

EASTERN CONFERENCE
------------------
1. Montreal - I think the additions of Tanguay, Lang, and Laraque push these guys into the best spot in the East. I still don't see them being tough enough to go far in the post-season... (playoff predictions at the end).

2. Washington - I'm slightly biased but I think the Caps will win many, many SE division games and pile-up points. Some pundits argue that Huet single-handedly vaulted the team into the playoffs but the Caps under Bruce were on pace for over 100points over a whole season... with Olie and Johnson. A starting Theodore is an improvement anyway you look at it.

3. Philadelphia - This team has all the tools to make the finals but will be hampered by a stronger Atlantic division and end up with 3rd.

4. Pittsburgh - The Pens will still be a good team but are not nearly as deep as last year. They could seriously miss Conklin if Fleury goes down (look up Danny Sabourin's career numbers... scary). The loss of Whitney (and maybe Gonchar) could seriously hamper their season making even 4th place optimistic.

5. Ottawa - The Sens have not done enough in the offseason to seriously challenge for the division or conference. Gerber is a dependable regular season tender and the trade of Meszaros for 1/3 of Tampas defense (and arguably their best two d-men) was a brilliant stroke of blind luck.

6. Boston - They can win some tough battles and will have an underdog mentality about them again this year. The addition of Ryder, the return of Bergeron, and a more mature Kessel will give them more balanced scoring which was their worst enemy last year.

7. Buffalo - The Sabres should bounce back from their horrendous season. You can count on more consistent performances from Vanek and Roy. Afinogenov and Connoly must play better but the team will benefit from the addition of a solidifying force in Rivet.

8. New Jersey - As much as I don't believe they will make the post-season, I'd be a fool to count them out. This is what I've been hearing in my ear.... i'm pretty sure they're whispering Vegas ghosts (chriss.....don't bet against martin brodeur you foooool.....)

9. Carolina - I would have slotted them into the playoffs had they not lost Justin Williams. Brind'Amour is looking human as well and seems to be breaking down. Lastly I don't think Staal has the stamina to last an entire season as the center of the only scoring line.

10. NY Rangers - This team will be more streaky than last year (if that's possible). Making up the loss of Jagr and Straka with Zherdev and Naslund is akin to trying to replace a rifle with a bb-gun and a bent sight.

11. Florida - I think this team has the potential to make the playoffs with their new defense and a more consistent Vokoun. If this team starts hot, they could bump New Jersey or Buffalo out.

12. Tampa Bay - This team will be fun to watch but will allow many, many goals. I would predict them for a dead last finish but the quality of forwards and veterans on their team will help them persevere and fight down the stretch.

13, 14, 15. Toronto, Atlanta, NY Islanders - I know it's a cop-out to not actually rank these three but its rather like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. I'm not saying anything revelatory here. These teams are not good.


WESTERN CONFERENCE
------------------
1. Detroit - They will once again make hay in the Central making them tough to catch. Putting Hossa on a top line with Datsyuk and Zetterberg is almost unfair.

2. Edmonton - This prediction is as bold as they come but I don't see a stronger team in the NW and the Pacific will cannibalize each other for points giving Edmonton #2.

3. Anaheim - The Ducks will return to form this year after their 2007 hangover. As this team will most likely get blown apart next year, look for changes if things aren't working out mid-season.

4. Dallas - Marty Turco is second only to Roberto Luongo in the West but has a much better cast. Much of their season rests on solid D but little defensive depth but excellent scoring depth up front.

5. San Jose - Another Pacific team that will finish just a couple points behind Anaheim and Dallas. Can they make the jump this year to become a true contender or will they streak and tease as they have for the last 3 years. Shark's fans will be circling the blood in the water if McClellan cannot push these guys to the next level.

6. Chicago - The kids will make the playoffs behind the best goalie tandem in the NHL and a very mobile attacking defense. This teams biggest detriment will be its lack of depth up front. The loss of Robert Lang makes this team too predictable with a single scoring line. Watch for early changes if they start slowly as Dale Tallon is forced to play some cards to move Khabibulin plus one of the coveted young defenseman (most likely Barker) to get scoring help.

7. Phoenix - Olli Jokinen's addition gives this team two very skilled scoring lines and excellent grit to boot. Their 3rd and 4th lines will be as tough as any in the league. Their defense has taken a step backwards in the Jokinen trade but is sufficient. As shown last year, if Bryzgalov remains healthy, this team gains confidence and will be even more exciting to watch.

8. Nashville - Can Dan Ellis handle the #1 tender duties without a solid #2 pushing him for starts? There defense is young, gritty, and mobile. Their forward core will sorely miss Radulov for the 30+ goals he would have provided but should manage enough goals to get them into the show.

9. Columbus - This will not be the year for Columbus. They have no glaring holes any longer but they also lack the talents to see the great upside. This team could be renamed "Rick Nash and Gnashers".

10. Minnesota - Brunette does not replenish the loss of Rolston and Demitra. This team could fall further than 10th.

11. Calgary - This team will also grind down opponents and have unfortunately put the onus of their season on the wonky back of Todd Bertuzzi. I expect an early spike in offensive production from this team and the new blood but Kiprusoff is a notorious slow starter which could mean early heartbreak. Combined with fan restlessness as the season progresses and this team could be a trainwreck.

12. Colorado - This team has overperformed for two straight years. Last spring their depth was seriously exposed against the Wings. This year, they've lost their best defensive asset, Theodore, and their offensive core is getting very gray.

13. St. Louis - This is another team that, like Colorado, has great offensive hopes pinned on the chests of a some older icons (Tkachuk and Kariya). Boyes, Stempniak, and McDonald must provide more offense and the new kids Berglund and Oshie must dominate for this team to have a prayer in the great and mighty West.

14. Vancouver - I'm still waiting for Gillis' big move. He may have flushed it at the beginning of the summer with the ill-conceived proposal to Mats "The Savior" Sundin.

15. Los Angeles - You have to admire a team that strips itself and starts again. Their defense is too weak to seriously contend and their goaltending is.... sporadic (that's the best I can say about). Hopefully the team figures out who is their goalie of the future by season's end: Ersberg or Bernier.


PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS
-------------------

Eastern Finals - Capitals v Flyers
Western Finals - Anaheim v Detroit


STANLEY CUP FINAL
-----------------
CAPITALS V ANAHEIM (you had to know that was coming)

Poor Olie...

Meszaros traded from Ottawa for 1/3 of Tampa Defense

Okay, that's not a real headline but its accurate. As a hockey fan who takes in an occasional Bolt's game, I'm shaking my head in disbelief.

Breaking Down the Deal
1. Filip Kuba to Ottawa - He's never going to be compared to Nicklas Lidstrom or even Nicklas Wallin, but last year he amounted to 1/2 of the shutdown pairing placed on the ice against AO and other strong offensive lines. Granted, this was out of necessity and not the natural order of defensemen, but he was deemed the best option by a pretty decent coach. Look at this link for the last Caps v. Bolts match-up you'll see that Kuba was on the ice for 10.4 of AO's 23.31. Second only to...

2. Alexandre Picard to Ottawa - I'm not sure where to begin here. I remember during this game thinking that the kid could hit, dig in his own corners retrieving the puck and making a decent first pass. Torts was obviously in a "nothing to lose", "lets play the kids" mentality but Picard had 24:19 of ice time, second only to Dan Boyle's 26 minutes. Plus, he played 11.2 minutes against AO -- tops on the team. Smaby, Lundin, Janik, and Karlsson together totalled 9.1 minutes against Ovechkin in that game.

3. Andrej Meszaros to Tampa - Watching him play as a rookie when he was putting up those ludicrous +/- numbers, I was impressed by his ability to find the open seams in the ice, and take a shot. I didn't notice his defensive skills but I didn't care because I was kicking myself over not grabbing him in my Fantasy league off the waiver wire. Apparently Len & Oren have a similar mentality. "Oh man, we could get him for nothing" must have been the sentiment around Hockey ThinkTank that masquerades itself as the Bolt's front-office nowadays. The difference, however, was that he wasn't a free waiver wire pick and in fact cost quite a bit.

In 2006-2007, Team Melvis drafted him as a second defenseman, and he was expected to deliver the goods. Puzzlingly, after a miserable start to the season statistically I decided to watch a couple of games before deciding whether to toss the bum out on the street. What I saw was that he wasn't joining the rush, was stuck playing in no man's land between the bluelines, and showed little of the same confidence as he did playing as a rookie in 05-06. With the departure of Chara, he was getting tougher opponents and was asked to take a larger defensive role. In short, I tossed him. Team Melvis didn't pay much attention to him in 2007-2008, so he may have broken out of his funk. However, looking at the comments from the Sens staff over the last couple of weeks, probably not.

The Net:
Sens - They ship out a defensively "mercurial" player (one of my favorite euphemisms for inconsistent) that was going to cost them at least 4m in exchange for a solid 2nd pair of d-man and a first round pick. They should see this like a kid being told that for Christmas he can choose between new clothes or books. But then on Christmas morning he wakes to find the clothes, the books, plus a Playstation, and a supermodel girlfriend under the tree. So if you're the Sens, you're pretty happy with the deal (unless the supermodel girlfriend was not your girlfriend, you cannot remember what happened the night before, and the police are beating down your door).

Bolts - Olie is going to wish he retired after last year. His career GAA and SV% numbers are going to take a beating with this defense in front of him. This deal stinks for the short-term or long-term health of the Bolts. They lose two of their best defensemen (if not their two best outright performers), once of which being a potential stud on the backline, plus a 1st round pick from San Jose. At least they didn't give up their own first round pick because that one is going to be a good one... Are there two or three syllables in Tavares?

Great quote...

If you didn't know it, I work for a software company and sometimes find funny things out there that stereotype the high-tech industry as a whole. Some of these bits are unfair whilst others are scarily dead-on. Dilbert and Office Space are two good examples (unfair or just, I won't say). Found this gem by randomly opening to a page in The Dilbert Future:

Whenever bold new technologies are created, the poor bastards who create them find out the market isn't ready or the technology isn't refined enough. The innovator rarely makes money. Then some clever company comes in and sees what went wrong, corrects the bone-headed mistakes, and makes it all work. In general, its always better to be a clever company than a poor bastard.

-- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Future - Thriving on Stupidity in the 21st Century